Archived "Ask the Coach"
newsletters for women in committed relationships
HE IS NOT
THE ENEMY
Dear Karen,
When we
were first married, he worked and I stayed home with our children. Before
marriage, I had a career I loved, but we both agreed my staying home was the
right thing for our family. He is now on permanent disability, and I have to go
back to work. The problem is this, though: I don’t trust him to take care of the
kids the way he should, while I’m at work. I know he’ll let them watch TV, he
won’t supervise their computer use, he’ll let them eat junk food, and who knows
what else will go on! I don’t know how to handle this situation – I am feeling
very upset. - Anonymous
Dear Anon,
I’m sorry to hear about your husband’s
disability. That must be really tough on all of you. A man that was once the
provider and now needs his wife to work because he can’t is a very sensitive and
challenging situation.
Based on your question, here are some areas I
thought would be good to explore:
ACKNOWLEDGE HIS CONTRIBUTION
How are you doing at taking care of his (probably) fragile ego? Are you finding
ways to acknowledge what he is giving/contributing? Whatever the nature of his
disability, there are probably lots of things he can give you: a sounding board,
advice, a shoulder to lean on, or someone to just let you “be”. Did you know
that when a man loses his sense of purpose and contribution it often causes
depression? I don’t know how you are feeling about him, but wherever you are
now, I strongly suggest you find ways to increase your sense of respect,
appreciation and gratitude for him, and FAST. Don’t forget this key concept:
whatever you focus on is what grows, so be sure to notice more of what’s good.
You’ll all benefit.
FATHER KNOWS BEST?
You mention the way he is with the kids, and that you don’t trust him to parent
them correctly. Are you sure about your assessment of his fathering? Have you
talked with him – respectfully – and given him the space to tell you what he
thinks is right, or are you basically telling him what he needs to do? If
you’re turning into his “Boss”, he’s likely to become very resistant – even
about things he AGREES with! You both bring strengths, perspective, and your
unique way of making the family work well. I wonder if you’d find him to be
more aligned with you if there were room for him to do it his way?
ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT
How are you communicating with him? Are you managing (in spite of your
understandable fear and frustration) to be vulnerable, share your feelings, and
talk with him when you know he’s most likely to be receptive? This is such an
easy thing to abandon when things are getting tough – and it’s SO important!
Before you launch into a “talk” with him, tune in to the timing, and to your
attitude, and if either one is “off”, take a walk, or a bubble bath, or call a
friend to vent, or do SOMETHING to unload some of your attitude before you talk
with him. That little ounce of prevention will help you avoid much harder work
together in trying to come to a solution about the kids.
FUN, FUN, FUN
What are you doing to reduce stress in the home? It sounds like finances are a
little tight, but what are you doing to have some fun together? And don’t
forget the fun that should be between just you two, with no kids. Too much
responsibility and not enough play time is a recipe for an explosion. Keep an
eye out for any and all opportunities to play, tease, laugh, lighten the load,
create harmless distractions that feel like a little “vacation”. If you don’t
have any ideas, and your husband doesn’t have any ideas (I’d bet he would,
though, if you asked him), make sure you ask your friends. Hey, maybe your kids
have ideas for fun!
TEACH YOUR CHILDREN WELL
Speaking of the kids, what are they observing between you two? They are like
little sponges; they are picking up attitudes, beliefs, feelings - and they’re
taking them on as their own. If you are loving and respectful toward their
father, they will learn those qualities. If you’re being judgmental and seeing
the worst in him, they, unfortunately, are absorbing that, as well. It will not
only impact their relationship with their father, it will impact their future
choices in who they partner with. Keeping that in the front of your mind may be
a great way to hold you to your best self, no matter how you’re feeling. That
is a critically important element of any successful relationship: the ability to
choose to act in a way that supports your commitment,
in spite of your feelings.
SURROUND YOURSELF
You’re dealing with a difficult situation, and you need help. Are you
surrounded by effective support, with loving and compassionate friends, and with
places to go when you need a break? So many women keep going and going, feeling
like it’s not possible to stop. Hey,
everyone needs to refill their tank on a regular basis. If you
don’t, you will run out of fuel (patience, love, compassion, creativity, energy,
acceptance, etc.). Once you’ve depleted the tank completely, it’s so much
harder to get going again. So, get what you need – physically, emotionally,
psychologically, spiritually - before you are forced to stop. This is very,
very important. And, as a side benefit, you also teach your kids that it’s
important to get help.
IN CONCLUSION
When your man has lost his ability to provide the way he was at one time, it’s
very hard on everyone. It is possible to navigate through this challenge so
that everyone gets their needs met, and the family thrives. Get enough help,
keep a respectful and appreciative attitude toward your man, communicate when
(and how) is most productive, pay attention to having fun together, and remember
the kids are watching and learning.
YOUR MAN, OR HER SON?
Dear Karen,
My
boyfriend seems to be more concerned about how his mother is doing than about
how I’m doing. It really makes me mad! What should I do to get him to be more
attentive to me when he’s around his mother? - Sonya
Dear Sonya,
I wonder how many centuries this particular issue
has been plaguing relationships? This is a great topic for this month - thanks
for sending in your question.
PUT ON THE ROSE-COLORED GLASSES
First of all, if you have ever read even one “Ask the Coach” newsletter issue,
you know that I am a huge advocate of assuming the best motive and intention on
the part of your man. This is one of those times when having this habitual way
of thinking will help immensely!
YOU BENEFIT, TOO
I’d bet that some of the qualities that you love about your man are also
creating the “problem” you believe you have - generosity, thoughtfulness,
responsibility, strong family values, as well as a few others, right? You’re
just observing that they are being showered on his mother, and not on you.
It’s been said that if you want to know how a man
will treat you over the long run, observe how he treats his mother. Note: for
those of you that have a wonderful man that has a bad or nonexistent
relationship with his mother, don’t panic. Remember that there are men out
there that have done deep work (whether the recognized path of therapy,
seminars, etc., or the less-obvious “sitting on a rock in deep contemplation”
route). In some cases, a good relationship is not possible, given the families
of origin.
DO NOT MAKE HIM CHOOSE
A man’s relationship with his mother is often very complex. He was nurtured by
her, (over?)protected by her, and loved by her. Sometimes, he even had to
become the “man of the house” at a young age, depending on the situation at home
with his parents. Some men grew up in a fatherless home, whether through an
early death (like was the case for my husband), or through alcoholism or mental
illness, which are other types of leaving.
As he became a man, it may have been hard for him
and/or his mother to let go. That can manifest in many ways: he shares his
deepest issues with her, she gets into his life/business without hesitation, he
can be influenced by her in big decisions he’s making, she still leans on him
for things he took care of when he was still at home. Those tend to be the more
enmeshed relationships, but even the less involved relationships have
complicated aspects: guilt, manipulation, obligation, protectiveness, comfort,
among others. Look for where those things are at play for him, and focus on
compassion for his situation.
I don’t know where your boyfriend is in the
spectrum of emotional involvement with his mother, but I will guarantee you one
thing: if you are doing ANYTHING that he perceives as forcing him to choose,
even in a subtle way through your attitude, everyone will lose. He will feel
squeezed between a rock and a hard place (this is assuming he loves you and
wants to have a future with you). You will see that the choice is a hard one
for him to make, creating an even bigger feeling of insecurity in you (“You
mean, he has to even think about which one of us he chooses???”). His mother
will sense that there is something amiss, will know that her son is unhappy, and
that will make her unhappy – not to mention may create a rift between you and
this woman that may become your mother-in-law. If you are indeed planning a
future with this man, the situation created by all this will be a part of the
relationship, and may never fully go away. You’ll all just have to deal with
the big pink elephant in the room – that you had/have a problem with the
relationship between your man and his mother.
You also mentioned that you were feeling he wasn’t
paying enough attention to you. I think if you can get to a better, more
understanding and supportive place about his relationship with his mother, he
will be more likely to give you what you need. That’s my bet, anyway.
SUPPORT HIM – IF YOU CAN
I am aware that there are women out there who are romantically involved with men
that have extremely challenging relationships with their mothers. The first
order of business, however, isn’t to “straighten him out”, but rather to become
his ally and friend. Empathy will go a long way here. Be able to be trusted to
support what matters to him. From that place, you are more likely to help him
develop a healthier relationship with his mama. That is, of course, if he wants
that. If you are with a man that you suspect is going to want to maintain an
enmeshed relationship with his mother that will always feel like a triangle
between the three of you, you may want to think about moving on.
IN CONCLUSION
You would be smart to support a man’s relationship with his mother, as it is a
very important part of who he is. Stay focused on how you ultimately benefit
from the way he is with her, rather than the ways it takes away from you, and
you will be able to feel consistently good about things. If, on the other hand,
you get to a place where you realize his relationship with his mother really is
not going to support the life you want to have with him, it may not be the right
place for you to be.
